Trauma and Drama through the holidays - A Survivor's Guide

Today in the Spatial metaverse MetaCoach gave a talk on surviving the holidays.

Lisbet Spatial, who is part of the Bridging Worlds group I am part of that host these events, not only MC'd the event, but also decided to transcribe and summarize the talk as Coach was speaking.

There is a chat function in Spatial, and by adding this transcription/summary to the chat, Lisbet enabled visitors from all different parts of the world to use the translate function to read what Coach was saying in their own language.

I was blown away not only by her ability, but also by the fact that once again I am aware how people from different cultures can meet, share experiences and share personal stories in the metaverse.

This inspired me to copy paste from the chat (because it will disappear in 24 hours) and share the transcription/summary here. It is such a valuable topic for all of us.

Here it is:

The trauma and stressors for the holidays can be the same no matter where we are in the world

The goal is to get through the holiday seasons and learn how to have great celebrations, minimize or eliminate the trauma and drama

You can't plan for everything, but you can prepare for some things, and this is what coach calls the survivor's guide

The first step of getting through the holidays: The first step of survival is don't manufacture it. Don't give in to that dreaded "Oh no" mindset

It's a slippery slope to have the "oh no, time to get ready for holidays” mindset

Who is coming? How much will it cost? How long will it last?

People dynamics play a big role

As a child, one doesn't know how much work the parents go through to make it happen

Everyone has a person in their family, that when they come to an event, they bring drama

Coach is talking about that one person who causes trauma or drama at a holiday celebration

He had a drunk uncle who would stumble around at the events

The children found it funny, the adults did not

But it all starts off with that first moment "Oh no, gotta get ready for the holidays”

The first thing in the survivors guide is - do not expect the negative and speak negativity into existence

This is where critical thinking can be useful

We can look at previous holiday events and identify what things happened that set the drama in motion. We can think about those things and put things in place and prepare our minds for what can happen (and probably will).

Coach's father had a conversation with the "drunk uncle" before the event one year. He asked him in advance to not come and "act a fool”

Coach was young and didn't know what was said on the other side of the phone, but he remembers a good, better, event that year.

Critical thiniking - identify what can cause the problems

Conversational intelligence to mitigate those problems and also speak to oneself about how to handle the situations

Emotional intelligence plays a role, too

Holiday seasons, people coming together can be traumatic. Maybe there is an empty seat because someone is no longer there.

Some families still set a place at the table if someone has passed away, to honour their memory

That kind of takes the challenge or sting away, because instead of mourning, people celebrated the life of the deceased family member

It changes things around, into a more positive approach.

In the USA, there is an extremely high level of substance abuse in the holidays

This is due to various reasons

They feel more celebratory, more free, do things they might not usually do

Sometimes substance abuse during the holidays ends in disaster. At a company that coach worked, they would fill in a blank "termination of contract form" in advance, because they knew someone would mess up at the holiday function.

If you are alone, the sadness during holiday season can be overwhelming

Coach advises that one finds community

One doesn’t have to do it alone

It seems to be magnified (the loneliness) during the holidays

Coach's family used to invite people over who did not have families

When Coach's mother passed away, so many people that came to their home during the holidays attended her funeral and loved her 

One part of the survivor's guide is to reach out to people who don't have family 

Coach is speaking about his childhood 

His mother used to make sure everything was perfect

Until she decided not to stress herself out, but rather focus on enjoying the festivities

Tip- You don't have to strive for perfection

Don't stress yourself out

Coach is talking about families with members who have special needs

It is important to remember these families, because often they don’t attend, the person with special needs is not accommodated

Tip- If you are hosting an event, keep this in mind and try to accommodate them if you can 

Coach speaks about his neighbour's autistic child

His mother invited them over and spent time with the child so that the mom could relax

Somebody cared enough to give the mother a moment of freedom. Coach remembers these things that his mother did growing up

These things help him be sensitive to people around him

If you are preparing an event, consider the people who would not come because of special needs. You can reach out and say "what can i do so that you can be here?”

Small gestures like that are huge and can change the dynamics of someone's holidays and life

That falls under critical thinking

It’s part of emotional intelligence

When we employ these things, use these approaches, imagine how much better holiday celebrations could be

We can apply this to every day life, not just in the holidays

One of coach's mottos is "a winning mindset”

He believes that there are things that we can do every day to make life easier to decrease the trauma and the drama

We can be thankful for things that we go through

Each one of us has the power and the ability to be a game changer in somebody's life.

How do I make this holiday season better? For myself, but also for those around me.

When we take that winning mindset, we start to punch trauma and drama in the gut.

We prepare to move forward in a positive way

This counteracts the trauma and drama

On to the next point in the survivor's guide:

Many people overdo it financially during the holiday season

Coach tells a story of a man who bought a big gift for his partner to make up for all his mistakes during the year

He got himself into debt

He gave her the gift

But she gave him divorce papers

And gave him the gift back

The man had thought that an expensive gift (that he could not afford) would solve his problems

Sometimes parents buy expensive gifts for their kids because when they grew up, they did not have it

We must think: What makes sense?

What really matters?

What will not hurt me in the long run?

If we think about those things, it changes our mindset

Changes how much we spend money during the holidays, and what we spend it on

The goal is to get through the holidays and through the trauma and drama, but also to get through it without debt!!!

Coach suggests that people prepare their heart and mind so that when the time comes to celebrate, we have things in place to minimize the problems during the holidays

The focus can be on coming together as family and friends, instead of buying things for each other

Coach talks about an advert in the USA about the Lexus car

They give each other keys to a Lexus car and the advert says "It's the gift to remember”

This commercial can make people feel like a loser if they cannot do that

It's a crazy example from TV. but many people feel this way, even about smaller things

Many people collect for the needy during the holidays, coach suggests doing it all year long

"If I am doing good all year long it becomes easier to do good during the hoildays”

We can start the survivor's guide at the beginning of the year already with a winning mindset, and touch the people around us

The people are the ones that matter

The gifts are temporary, the relationships matter

A closing remark by coach:

He wants to challenge everyone here today

Think about the one person in your life that you may need to repair a relationship with.

What conversation do I need to have with that person?

What emotional intelligence do i need to use? What conversational intelligence do I need to use?

How do I make it right? How do I squash the trauma, drama, how do I have a winning mindset.

(After sharing this blog post, it has now been translated into Japanese by Maro Dori, another member of the Bridging Worlds team. It can be read in Japanese here)